


I Love You, I'm Sorry, and Goodbye

by angelcreature13



Category: Degrassi, Degrassi the Next Generation
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Closure, Degrassi Season 13, Dreams vs. Reality, F/M, Grief/Mourning, Hopeful Ending, Katie being a good sister, Past Character Death, Season 13 compliant, Sibling Bonding, Teen Angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-20
Updated: 2019-08-20
Packaged: 2020-09-19 07:23:51
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,701
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20327317
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/angelcreature13/pseuds/angelcreature13
Summary: ONE-SHOT. Maya, so wrapped up in everyone else's problems, doesn't have time to focus on herself anymore. One dream with a familiar face may change that, and help her. UGHH I LOVE THIS COUPLE SO MUCH. R.I.P Cam :(





	I Love You, I'm Sorry, and Goodbye

Maya stayed laying in bed, unable to fall asleep. She had a lot going on in her life: from going to her therapist, dealing with her ex-boyfriend's parent problems, her best friend's gang problems, her ex-best friend ignoring her after she ratted on him for having an affair with one of the teachers, and the aftermath of her frenemy's sexual assault charges. She remembered when her life was relatively normal: all she had to worry about was helping make family dinner, practicing her cello and nailing her recitals, attending her sister's soccer games, and making sure her mom took her proper medication.

Life was now different for Maya Matlin, and she feared it would never be normal or simple ever again.

She tried so hard to forget and not think about anything about her freshmen year, because it was probably the worst year of her life. Sometimes, she wished she had begged her parents a little harder to go to a performing arts school instead of Degrassi. However, her parents didn't have the money, and her sister Katie, who attended the school, insisted that it was a great school, she'll meet lots of friends, and eventually love it.

The first part was true, after getting into a physical fight on the first day of school with her soon-to-be best friend, Tori Santamaria, about her ex-boyfriend, Zig Novak, Maya's then crush and current best friend, things were a little better. She didn't feel so alone and felt like she had a second family when her first wasn't there, something she didn't quite have before.

By the time Degrassi abolished the uniform policy, she felt as though she could enjoy herself here until a new hockey team showed up and began to tease her about her lack of "development." Maya remembered it clear as day. She let them get into her head and resorted to wearing "falsies" to show people she is more mature. This led her to embarrassing herself at her band audition, as they fell out of her bra.

Luckily, due to her leaving in a hurry, Mo, the leader of the band, saw her arrangements and was very impressed. She got into the band and later so did Zig, who plays the electric guitar. She remembers how fun it was, and how much she and Zig loved it. This was also around the time that she met...

Cam.

She then stopped herself from thinking about anything else from her freshman year. The last thing she needs is to burst into tears and hysterics over some guy that she thought loved and cared for her. He wanted to get out of her life so badly, that he ended his own life. Just hearing the words ended his own life in her head made her heart hurt, so she quickly closed her thoughts.

She looked at her clock. 12:49 AM. She knew she had to sleep soon, otherwise, she'll end up dozing off in class, which will only lead to detention from her teacher(s).

Maya realized that she was so busy fixing other people's problems (Miles with his dad, Zig with the gang, Zoe with the trial, and Tristan just not talking to her) that she never really had time to work and improve herself. She hasn't even been able to practice her cello as much as she used to, and her current battle with anxiety isn't helping either.

She knows exactly why she has it in the first place. It was all his fault. She is convinced he messed up her life, and she would've been better not knowing him at all.

Maya couldn't take it anymore. She went to the kitchen and made some hot cocoa, hoping that it would help her fall asleep. Fortunately, it did, and she was asleep by 1:37 AM.

She then started to dream.

She found herself standing in the hockey rink where the Ice Hounds play. She had no idea what she was doing there, or why she was dreaming about it. Something told her she wasn't in full control of her dream. Then out of nowhere, she heard people calling her name.

Maya, wait! which sounded like Miles.

Maya? You there? Zig.

My Mat, you ok? Tristan.

Matlin! Hello? Zoe.

Maya, sweetie? Her mom.

Maya! Her sister Katie.

Hello? Blondie? Grace.

Then, all at once, her name was being shouted by everyone, simultaneously. She covered her ears, unable to hear her own thoughts. Then she heard one voice, louder than the others.

M? Is that you? She froze, knowing that voice all too well. She at first pretended as she didn't hear it. Thought it was only a dream, it certainly didn't feel like one. She desperately tried to wake herself up, but her attempts were futile.

She opened her eyes, not hearing the voice anymore, and decided to leave the arena. However, as soon as she turned around, she saw a familiar face facing her, with a slight smile on his face. It was someone she never thought she would ever see again.

Campbell Saunders.

He was dressed in black but had his old hockey jersey on and a hockey stick in his hand. It's been a year, and he looks the same is Maya remembered him. Brown hair swished to the side. Creamy brown eyes. A cute nose. His warm smile. His perfect height (perfect for her, as she was short).

Maya's cheeks started to get hot and water-filled her eyes. Her heart accelerated, and it honestly felt like it was going to fall out of her chest. She wished so much that she could wake up, but for some reason, she couldn't. She finally got the strength to say, "LEAVE. ME. THE HELL. ALONE." while walking in the opposite direction. Unfortunately, Cam followed her, determined to speak with her one last time.

"Maya PLEASE, this is important!" he begged. She turned around and looked at him like he was crazy. Her emotion was a mixture of anger, disgust, sadness, resentment, and heartache.

"HOW DARE YOU. HOW DARE YOU COME TO ME IN MY DREAMS AFTER WHAT YOU DID, WHAT YOU MADE ME GO THROUGH! GET THE HELL AWAY FROM ME," she yelled. Tears were falling down her at face this point, and she could feel her throat closing up and her legs shaking.

Cam didn't argue, he gave her an apologetic, miserable, regretful look, on the verge of tears as well. "That's what I wanted to talk to you about. I truly am sorry for the pain I put you through; I believed that your life would be better off without me. That's one of the reasons why I did what I did."

Maya continued to stare at him, not saying anything, so he continued.

"I regret not telling you what was going on with me, but I wanted you to see me as a strong, cool, talented guy. I had anxiety attacks and was homesick, but you knew that part. I was being bullied and pushed around by my teammates, and it affected me. Instead of telling anyone...I hurt myself. I intentionally fell off the balcony, so I could take a break from hockey and spend more time with you, and I cut myself with an ice skate. I was a mess Maya, and I was afraid you'd leave me if you found out I wasn't as strong as I looked."

Maya then looked at him in shock. How could she had not seen the signs sooner? The number of times he got hurt, and to now find out he did it intentionally. The broken arm? The cut on his hand?

Then, she was watching him in the act, as a TV-like screen appeared in front of her. She saw how his former teammates treated him, and it honestly tore her apart. They put so much pressure and discipline on him because he was the star player, and also probably because they are jealous. They made Cam do extra practice since he skipped practice to go to karaoke with her, Zig, Tori, and Tristan, and afterward, he was so tired and miserable, he cut himself with the skate. That later led to him falling off the balcony, and breaking his arm so he was able to spend more time with Maya.

Then came after the break. Maya hugged Cam as soon as she saw him off the bus. What she didn't know is that after she left with Zig due to them being on the same spirit team, Tristan came up to him and warned him about Zig, saying he will do anything to get Maya to ditch him. This triggered Cam into beating up Zig during the first spirit match up.

She then saw how much he flipped out after Maya left, mad at him. She also saw how Dallas, the former captain, treated him and called him selfish. He confided in Alli, his tutor, who suggested the flowers. He then went to Maya's house to apologize, and she forgave him. Maya then smiled, remembering that moment. The tickle fight, introducing Hoot and falling asleep together, thanks to Katie covering for them. She then saw the video he left on her phone, which she hasn't deleted, the next morning. She went to school, eager and excited to see him. What she didn't know is that Zig talked to him before she did. Cam bragged about getting back together with Maya, and Zig responds by saying it won't last and she'll leave him once she sees that he's a psycho and he should get out her life now.

Maya pieced it all together. The bullying from his teammates, having a hard time making friends, Tristan and Zig both triggering him. No wonder Cam was so self-harmful. She just wondered why wouldn't he tell not just her, but anyone. Did his family know about this? Guidance counselor? Friends from his hometown?

"No, they didn't. I didn't tell anybody, and I was at fault for that." She looked at him confused.

"Oh sorry, here you're thoughts can be heard." Well, that explains that. He continued. "Listen, Maya, I only came into your dream to apologize for what I did to you, not knowing what effect it would have on you. It was selfish, and I wasn't thinking clearly. Now, you suffer from anxiety the same way I did, but for other people. I hope that whatever is going on with Miles you can try to help him through it, and anyone else who needs you, like Zig and Zoe, since you weren't able to help me. Can you promise me that?"

Maya continued to look at him, except it now felt like she was looking into his soul. It surprised him that he knew about Miles. She then, remembering all the memories they had together, wanted him so badly to be alive again, so she could help him with his anxiety issues, and be that light in his life. However, she vowed to keep this promise to him and nodded intently.

He then cupped her face in his hands and kissed her passionately. Oh, how Maya missed this. It felt so real, and she wished it was. She realized that she still loves him, and even in death, he still loves her. She had her left hand in his hair, while the other was wrapped around his neck. Maya's eyes were glossy when he pulled back and looked into her eyes.

"I will always love you, Maya," he said smoothly. "I know one day you'll meet someone better than me, who will treat you right and will be honest and open with you about everything in his life."

But I don't want anyone else! she thought. He smiled, and she remembered he could hear her thoughts.

Suddenly, they both saw a light, shining from the exit of the hockey arena.

"It's time for me to go," Cam said. Maya, pulling him back, said, "Please don't go, I love you too!" He looked at her, longing that this could last forever.

"Maya, I'm dead. There's no way I can come back." At this point, she was on the verge of tears. "Just know that you'll always have me in your heart." He then kissed her forehead, squeezed her hand, let go, took his hockey stick, and walks toward the light.

He stops suddenly, looks back and says, "Tell Zig and Dallas that...I forgive them, and it wasn't entirely their fault." He then continues toward the light.

Maya watched him go, tears falling from her eyes, and her heart aching, just like when she finally came to terms that he was dead.

She woke up screaming, "NOOOO!"

At this moment, her sister Katie came to check on her.

"Maya! Calm down, what happened? Bad dream?"

Maya struggled to say the sentence since she hadn't said his name in so long.

"I...I saw Cam." Katie then looked at her, wide-eyed.

"Wait, what? Like in your dream?" Saying it out loud made even Maya question if she was hallucinating or not.

"Yea. Do you think that can happen? Like a spirit visits you in your dreams?" She needed reassurance to confirm she wasn't crazy.

"I think so; to be honest, anything's possible." Katie encouraged, though her facial expression wasn't that convincing. "What happened?"

Maya stuttered. "I...I saw...everything. Everything he didn't tell me what went on in his life. He really did love me. All this time, I thought he killed himself because he couldn't stand to be with me anymore." She couldn't hold back the tears.

"I'm still mad that he didn't tell me, but how could I be so blind to not know my boyfriend was harming himself?"

"Maya, it's not your fault, it's his. He chose to do it." Katie soothed.

"He said the same thing before he went into the light."

"Wow, this was some vivid dream, huh?" Katie asked. Maya only nodded, and then said, "You can say his name; I think I can handle it now." She smiled slightly, thankful she has the chance to see him one last time, and to understand his reasoning (whether it was sensible or not) on why he did what he did.

Katie looked at her sister, seeing a change in her. Maybe she was moving on, maybe the whole dream was real, maybe the supernatural things do exist, but only come out when necessary. Maybe this dream happened for a reason.

"Well, if you're okay, I'll leave you to go back to sleep." Maya nodded, and Katie left after a quick hug.

There Maya was again, laying in bed, unable to fall asleep. She touched her lips and felt Cam's on them. This had to be real she thought. I felt that kiss, his touches, and his presence.

A burst of wind from her window came in and surrounded her. It felt familiar like someone was making their presence known. She smiled, knowing exactly who it was.

Before attempting to go back to sleep, she put on Nightingale by Demi Lovato to help her relax.

The lyrics fit her situation perfectly.

I can't sleep tonight,

Wide awake and so confused.

Everything's in line, but I am bruised.

I need a voice to echo,

I need a light to take me home.

I kind of need a hero, is it you? At that moment, she left Cam's lips on her forehead from when he kissed her before leaving. It made her shiver, in a good way.

I've never seen the forest or the trees,

I could really use your melody.

Baby, I'm a little blind, I think it's time, for you to find me.

Can you be my nightingale?

Sing to me, I know you're there.

You could be, my sanity, bring me peace, sing me to sleep.

Say you'll be my nightingale.

By this part of the song, Maya had slipped into a deep sleep. Unknowingly, hovering above her, was Cam, watching her. To him, she will always be a gem, one of the most precious things in the world.

He hopes that one day she will find someone who will treat her that way.

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you guys like it! The last part I added because I'm obsessed with Demi's 2013 album xD but I thought it fit the story pretty well. Reviews are valued and appreciated! :)


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